"People are like stained glass windows: They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light within." ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross~

• Last night I had the extreme privilege of witnessing a dance performance choreographed by Meshi Chavez and inspired by Walt Whitman's poem "We Two Boys". It was truly one of the most amazing performances I have ever had the honor of experiencing. In a powerful yet vulnerable and truly authentic way, Meshi and Richard took the viewers on, and into, a journey that explored our sense of self in this world; where we fit in, how we struggle to stay true to ourselves, despite the constraints society puts upon us to be something other than our true selves. Meshi took a piece of his heart out, presented it to all of us to share and revealed something so rich, universal and profound, that I am forever impacted by this. I will never be the same, for having experienced this amazing evening. By experiencing last night, I also was given the gift of realizing the power and necessity of being the observer, and that was a huge awakening in light of the prior evening's frustrations for me at Reflective Dance Practice. His choreography and movement are a true gift to the art world, and I am proud to call him my friend and fellow dancer in this family community I am so blessed to be a part of, as my spiritual practice, however that shows up for me right now.

Yearning and Threshold

Then the quiet set in, outside, but not within me. I tried to engage, but found myself with my back to the "village" as Winky phrased it, of dancers, as we began to move in our own way. The idea of thinking of a village of dancers that are a part of a unit, rather than being a witness that somehow places us separate, outside the group. Last night, I felt more like a witness rather than a part of a village. 


We meditated on the idea of "Threshold". A perfect and powerful word for right now, both personally and globally. Ourselves being vertical conduits between the sky and the earth. Also our ability to be horizontal conduits to give out from ourselves to the rest of the world, especially in a time of feeling helpless to heal those who are trying to find peace and healing amidst natural disaster.
thresh·old  

1. A piece of wood or stone placed beneath a door; a doorsill.

2. An entrance or a doorway.

3. The place or point of beginning; the outset.

4. The point that must be exceeded to begin producing a given effect or result or to elicit a response: a low threshold of pain.

For me, this brought up many things, but especially painfully resonated, as the child in me, who was constantly reminded and judged negatively, that my threshold for pain is very low, a judgement of a condition that cannot be anything different than it is (see my Living The Princess & The Pea earlier entry). 
I also meditated on the image of threshold a being a transition from one place to another, a gateway of sorts. Being on one side, yet yearning to be on the other. I meditated on yearning.
yearn·ing 


       A persistent, often wistful or melancholy desire;

prolonged unfulfilled desire or need, longing..... hungriness..... desire , the feeling that accompanies an unsatisfied state, hankering, yen - a yearning for something or to do something, pining - a feeling of deep longing, wishfulness - an unrealistic yearning, wistfulness - a sadly pensive longing, nostalgia - longing for something past, discontent, discontentedness, discontentment - a longing for something better than the present situation

One member of my village of dancers, met me where I was, and danced tenderly with me. He later shared that he usually feels shy dancing with others, but did not last night. Oh I know that all too well. There was a feeling of safety. Toward the end of the three hours, as I lay on the floor, legs over a stool, eyes closed, my back to the group, I was suddenly aware that my "curls" were being lightly, lovingly, danced with by one of my beloved dance partners. She playfully and tenderly interacted with me through my hair, and then danced away. At first, I did not know who it was but I got a glimpse of her as she danced away.   It turned my sadness of that moment, into pure joy and put a smile on my face, and in my heart.


At the end we gathered in a circle. We discussed this place of yearning and how we all feel this at some time, at some level. The gift is in accepting. That the yearning is a part of the living, the growing, the connecting. The lesson to be learned in all this, is how to be with that yearning, to accept it, without needing for it to be different. I suppose that, therein lies the contradiction.


As I reflect on it all this morning, I have no regrets for having gone last night. My body did hurt more afterward. My spirit felt and still feels conflicted. My heart felt better from having gone, and been with some of my favorite dancers. But, I am filled with sadness though, and am still struggling with the yearning, the learning. How do I begin to allow, surrender, accept this yearning without needing it to be any different? How? Yes, indeed, how?

Portland Neighborhood Pix Pic!

How delighted I was once again this morning to find out one of my photos "Inside a Purple World" was selected again to be featured on the Portland Neighborhood blog. Check it out! They have also posted a few of my others including one of my favorites "Let The Games Begin"- a shot of a "street fight" over a dropped "doggie box" of lunch, complete with an audience!

Portland Taiko and The Right Brain Initiative

Today I went to Oak Grove Elementary School to photography a second grade Taiko Drumming event as part of The Right Brain Initiative. Due to a last minute rescheduling glitch, only a short bit of the performance was able to be documented. The kids were having a blast and seemed to have learned so much after only practicing with the Taiko musicians four times. This picture captures a bit of the moment frozen in time for me.

Finished Chair Affair Rocker!

Hooray!!! This morning I put the finishing touches on my piece that will be auctioned off at the Chair Affair this year to benefit The Community Warehouse. I am excited about my little cutie this year and it is such a coincidence that I began this chair a few months ago and the Portland Children's Museum just opened their Curious George exhibit! Is that synchronicity or what!? I hope that will make my little gem a hot ticket! Here is a glimpse of the chair I named "Curious George and The Rocking Reader Chair". 


This year we are delighted that not only the previews of the over 100 artist chairs, but the events themselves, will be in the old Sak's building downtown! Please check out the warehouse website for updates on the upcoming Chair Affair previews and events, as well as to see pictures of the chairs and artists as they get posted over the next few weeks. There will be opportunities to "buy now" via paypal before the actual Chair Affair event, so check back often to see the wonderful offerings that will help raise money for an amazing charity that helps provide the basic necessities that we all sometimes take for granted, like beds, dishes and cooking utensils to families trying to get back on their feet. I am passionate about this organization and this event so join me in supporting The Community Warehouse. If you don't feel inclined to bid on   a Chair Affair chair, you can help support the warehouse by keeping them in mind when you are looking for a new home for your gently used housewares. The Warehouse happily welcomes all donations of goods!

Curious George and The Rocking Reading Chair

Your child can rock and read the day away in this comfy pillowed rocker complete with blankie and book pouch filled with Curious George books with room for more!

A Feast for the Eyes

As part of Jenni's graduation gift from The Bauman Natural Chef program, I made a book chronicling her journey in pictures. I copied the pictures from her blog over the past 5 months and made them into a Blurb book. Take a look  at A Feast for the Eyes if you'd like and be prepared to have your mouth water! The food Jenni and her class created are truly a feast for the eyes.

The Chair Affair 2011 is coming, grab your seat!

 The Fifth Annual Chair Affair +

GET READY for 2011 CHAIR AFFAIR+, Community Warehouse’s major fundraiser featuring over 100 “re”created chairs and other home furnishings donated by our talented and generous local artists. This year we’ll have more ways for you to support Community Warehouse: NEW! “Reserved Seat” dinner on Thursday, April 28 featuring the first opportunity to bid on “chairs+”, our hot seat cocktail hour, catered dinner, live auction, celebrity host, great people and plenty of fun! RETURNING! On Friday, April 29 it's the same great party as previous years—yet even better! A chance to bid on the “chairs+”, the hot seat cocktail, cheap seats, box seats, wine, food, artists, and lots of creative ways to lend your support. Both events help Community Warehouse help others! Ticket sales, artists' info, chair+ photos coming soon! Last year was a sell-out so don't delay and tell your friends about the 2011 Chair Affair +! More information to follow............

What an amazing weekend!!!

They whirlwind joy of this weekend was indescribable but I will try anyway. With fears of being snowed in on Thursday morning, the sun broke through the snow on the runway and we left on time, Oakland California bound! Jenni's graduation showcase feast was beyond delicious! It was a feast for the eyes as well as the stomach, heart and soul. The cooking classroom was transformed into The Farmstead Kitchen, decorated with memorabilia that transported us all to a simpler time in life, with simple, nutrient dense, healing foods. It was truly one of the best meals I have ever eaten! Jenni was the showcase coordinator as well as menu designer, and resident DJ! I was so incredibly proud of her. We then flew back the next day for the annual Permanente Dental Associates meeting/dinner where Michael was awarded the first annual Distinguished Dentist Award! Wow, I can't think of anyone more worthy of this award. My heart is filled with such pride and love for the great accomplishments as Jenni and Michael shined through this weekend.

JAM Photo Project

I must admit when my friend and fellow artist and visionary Eddy asked me to help head up a photography project for JAM Jewish Art Month I was conflicted because I do not identify with any religious group and tend to avoid the possible limitations that can be imposed by religious labels. For me, I most closely  identify my religious beliefs in the words of the Dalai Lama "My religion is very simple, my religion is kindness".

But I was up to the challenge. The idea behind the project is to work with 13-14 year old teens, with the objective of self discovery, of allowing their religious/spiritual identity to unfold through the photo documentary approach.

We met and tried to clarify our objectives, realizing that the objectives are still out of focus. That through the process of daily photo taking and posting them on our Flickr group, we can more clearly communicate to each other and ultimately to ourselves what our religious or spiritual place is in the world. We will meet periodically, snap away, talk about what we are discovering, what is pulling us to photograph, and maybe understand that what we are drawn to, tells us and others something about ourselves. It is an uncertain journey that is exciting. Who knows where it will end and what will come out of it? Therein lies the interest for me; the not knowing. 

We hope to create a self-published book at the end of this journey, as well as have an exhibit of some of the framed photos. I suppose this will give us all a glimpse into a sense of our identity, and it's moment to moment changing. Like the snap of a photo, a frozen moment in time. Who knows if this process will blur or focus my own spiritual sense of place?

The Chair Affair 2011

The chair I am currently attempting to finish (foot willing) is a small child's rocking chair with  a Curious George theme For The Community Warehouse 5th annual Chair Affair fundraiser. It will be finished with paint of primary colors and it has a Curious George fabric pillow, arm rests and attached tote with Curious George books and a "blankie" too. Everything to make a great child reading ritual comforting and fun! The working title is Curious George and the Reading Rocking Chair.

Sowing Seeds- A thought for today

"Perhaps the earth can teach us, as when everything seems dead in winter and later proves to be alive"

~Pablo Neruda~

Cloud Mountains Disappointment

I have been struggling the last few days, with the decision I had to make, whether or not I would be able to go to Cloud Mountain this coming weekend to attend a three day silent Buddhist retreat on Metta, lovingkindness. I have been in battle with myself, my mind, my body, since my foot injury, and realized this morning that going would cause more stress, more pain, more challenges, and probably make the healing process that much slower since I am supposed to stay off my foot. There are stairs to climb and uneven terrain at Cloud Mountain plus all the other navigating that I would have to do. I realized I knew my answer. I am so disappointed, angry, feeling sorry for myself and feeling cheated by injury once again. A feeling that I am a witness to life passing me by. When can I move forward with my life, and go down a road without speed bumps? I know I have to learn to accept what is, and stop wasting the anger and stress that are energy suckers. And I do know, that there will inevitably be more speed bumps ahead, regardless of which road I choose to travel down. I know there will be other retreats, and that there has to be a lesson for me to learn here. After all, isn't there always, even if I can't seem to see it through the self inflicted brain fog? So Metta..............lovingkindness..............should I need a retreat to create the opportunity to practice this on myself a little. Let the learning begin I suppose, and not wait for the next retreat. I know my "Wizard of Oz" bible tells me I have everything I need inside me already, but sometimes it feels so unreachable. What stands in the way is me. I know that, but that doesn't seem to make it any easier and I don't know why I stand in my own way. Patience and self care once again present their challenges to me. I guess I haven't "gotten it" yet. Maybe once I get it, the opportunities to practice won't be as pressing, as they will become a part of my daily living. Maybe.......... For now, I do what I can to get through this current challenge the best way I can. This morning I was reading a poem by Octavio Paz called After. It spoke to me about hope and I share it~

After

~ Octavio Paz ~

after chopping off all the arms that reached out to me;

after boarding up all the windows and doors;

after filling all the pits with poisoned water;

after building my house on the rock of no,

inaccessible to flattery and fear;

after cutting off my tongue and eating it;

after hurling handfuls of silence

and monosyllable of scorn at my loves;

after forgetting my name;

and the name of my birthplace;

and the name of my race;

after judging and sentencing myself

to perpetual waiting,

and perpetual loneliness, I heard

against the stones of my dungeon of syllogisms,

the humid, tender, insistent

onset of spring.

....................but still haven't been able

The last two weeks, as I longingly yearn to dance, I have been gifted with the words that my fellow dancers have been dancing by Winky, so I can be moved in my heart, spirit and my words instead of with my outside body. Tuesday night, "G", one of my soul sisters and a dance/life touchstone for me, chose my line for me- ........but still haven't been able, for me to dance in solitude, at home. Surely Mary Oliver wrote the phrase for me. Thank you Georgianna for knowing intuitively and blindly what I needed to dance. I am moved, without movement.

The Teachers

~Mary Oliver~

Owl in the black morning,

mockingbird in the burning

slants of the sunny afternoon

declare so simply

to the world

everything I have tried but still 

haven’t been able

to put into words,

so I do not go

far from that school

with its star-bright

or blue ceiling,

and I listen to those teachers,

and others too --

the wind in the trees

and the water waves --

for they are what lead me

from the dryness of self

where I labor

with the mind-steps of language --

lonely, as we all are

in the singular,

I listen hard

to the exuberances

of the mockingbird and the owl,

the waves and the wind.

And then, like peace after perfect speech,

such stillness.

..................but still haven't been able.............
~ to accept my limitations,
~ to not feel angry at myself for fracturing my metatarsal bone while doing what  I love~~~~~ dance,
~ to deal with the frustrations of yet another limitation,
~ that the injury will prevent me from dancing for 6-8 weeks, 
~ to be at peace with my body where it is at this moment, 
~ to ask for help,
~ to not feel inadequate and dependent,  
~ to be patient,
~ to know this is not permanent,
~ to accept what is and not be looking for reasons & answers,
~ to not be at war within and with my body,
~ to know that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional

to quote Mary Oliver in this poem that once again never fails to speak to me,

   "from the dryness of self

where I labor

with the mind-steps of language --"

The Poem I Must Dance in My Heart Today

The Journey

by Mary Oliver

"One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried

with it's stiff fingers

at the very foundations--

though their melancholy was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice,

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save

the only life you could save."

I am angry, I am frustrated, I feel cheated and I struggle with the question "why does everything I do that gives me pleasure, cause me pain?"

Friday night SCORE was amazing. I danced into such a deep place that I wanted to stay there forever. Even during the last 30 minutes, after I intuitively knew that I had broken my toe dancing, I continued on, compelled by something very deep, that kept me from listening to my body, and instead just listen to my soul. Now I am faced with the reality that my middle toe is badly broken at the foot joint, and that I will be on crutches and will probably not be able to dance for 6-8 weeks. At least not be able to "dance" the way I want to define it. Now the challenge is to dance through the "why me, not again" feelings. To learn to dance the "blips in the road" and to accept that when I can return to dance, it will be with baby steps, and sometimes with no steps at all.  Maybe a deep dance that comes from within, that does not have to involve my external body at all. A dance that will involve that deeper soulful body and spirit that has to learn to be free to dance, using this body, at this moment, the only way it can dance. I have to let go of the "I want it to be different" song, and learn to accept what is, right now. It is not a challenge that I welcome or enter into willingly but after all....... this is my dance today. The only one I can do.

Create Plenty fomerly Leave No Plastic Behind

I was delighted to stop by REI the last week in December and see the LNPB quilt displayed in the store! You can grab a bit of a look at it including my piece in the attached pictures. Enjoy!

The Mothertree Project Film

I was delighted to get a first glimpse of Ian Lucero's film documentation of Helen Heiberts "The Mothertree Project" that I had the honor of participating in as a crocheter and in the closing exhibit performance in Portland. It brought back so many wonderful memories for me of the evening back in May of last year. I moved with the others around the Sculpture and crocheted. I also had the honor of both reading other women's words, as well as my own, in a voice over in the film. Ian's film really captured the magical beauty of the event. I spoke words about how the project conjured up many emotions for me. My mother always knitted and crocheted throughout my life offering comfort and warmth to the entire family. The performance followed a particularly difficult visit with her in Florida, as she dealt with health issues. I was also reminded of my childhood in elementary school, going to the New York City local park on May Day, to do our annual Maypole Dance. Then I spoke of my son Adam, who was born on May 1, May Day, 31 years ago, and facing some health and injury challenges as well. I held this all in my heart and spirit as I participated in the Mothertree Project Performance event. I will always cherish this rich opportunity. Please click on the above link to enjoy the glimpse of the lovely film.

...and my look shot upward;

When I entered the dance space last night I was embraced by a deep nurturing hug from Winky and the phrase, "you made it"! Yes I did. Showing up is half of it after all, isn't it?

We began the evening, with a bit of a closed eyed meditation and reflection on which part of our body was calling to us. I knew immediately that it was my sacrum, sore perhaps from beginning yoga class the night before, or calling to me, the sacrum- the sacred.

The word "sacrum", meaning "sacred" in Latin, lives on in English anatomy as the name for the large heavy bone at the base of the spine.

The Romans called the bone the "os sacrum," which literally meant the "holy bone" and the Greeks termed it the "hieron osteon," the same thing, the "holy bone".

We then proceeded, as always, to blindly choose our Mary Oliver line to dance. Mine was, "and my look shot upward" from the ever so poignant poem "Snow Geese". We then reflected on one word that called to us, mine being "upward". We took a moment to connect the focus of our body part and our word. It was clear to me that my dance of the evening and my dance in life is about looking upward and inward for spiritual guidance, to touch the sacred, however that shows up for me, in this time of searching for strength and wisdom to meet the challenges that life is presenting to me. I danced richly as I felt the drum beat of the music resonate deeply within my body.

"Snow Geese"~~ Mary Oliver~~

 

"Oh, to love what is lovely, and will not last!
What a task
to ask
of anything, or anyone,
yet it is ours,
and not by the century or the year, but by the hours.
One fall day I heard
above me, and above the sting of the wind, a sound
I did not know, and my look shot upward; it was
a flock of snow geese, winging it
faster than the ones we usually see,
and, being the color of snow, catching the sun
so they were, in part at least, golden. I
held my breath
as we do
sometimes
to stop time
when something wonderful
has touched us
as with a match,
which is lit, and bright,
but does not hurt
in the common way,
but delightfully,
as if delight
were the most serious thing
you ever felt.
The geese
flew on,
I have never seen them again.
Maybe I will, someday, somewhere.
Maybe I won't.
It doesn't matter.
What matters
is that, when I saw them,
I saw them

as through the veil, secretly, joyfully, clearly"

BEHOLD

Definition of BEHOLD

transitive verb

1

: to perceive through sight or apprehension : see

2

: to gaze upon : observe

intransitive verb

—used in the imperative especially to call attention

— be·hold·er noun

Examples of BEHOLD

1. Those who have beheld the beauty of the desert never forget it.
2. beholds the immense complexity of life on earth>

Synonyms: appreciate, apprehend, assimilate, comprehend, catch, catch on (to), cognize, compass, conceive, cotton (to or on to), decipher, decode, dig, discern, get, grasp, grok, intuit, know, make, make out, perceive, recognize, register, savvy, see, seize, sense, tumble (to), twig, understand

How do I dance, how can I dance, how can I begin to begin again. When you feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you, and that your world, as you have known it has been forever changed? I did not know how to give myself permission to go to dance on Sunday. To have fun? How is that even a possibility?  I went.................It was incredible as I "danced my life" as it was in that moment, in that body, in the now. When we gathered before the dance, Winky presented us with the contemplation of the word "BEHOLD". Wow, how powerful that word resonated for me. She spoke about it in terms of being not a witness who is separate from the other dancers, but being a part of the whole as you notice the others with awareness. A part of, rather than a part from. As I danced my life, the pain, the anger, the fear I was feeling, and emotions that I could not and cannot yet name, I felt filled with a power that I had never experienced.  The emotions raged through every inch of my body as I danced, as though I were a whirling dervish. Dervish is said to literally mean "one who opens the doors". It was so cathartic and I felt alive.  As I danced my emotions, and my emotions danced me, the word BEHOLD kept resonating and transforming. I thought about how if I could just "BE" whether it be present, strong, available, open to receive, listen, help, care for, exist for the sake of existing for oneself or another; that there is a true purpose in this word, this work, "TO BE". By taking better care of myself, the quality of my available to the the others in my life is stronger and richer. By being able to "BE" I felt that I could better "HOLD" my loved ones in times of trouble and in times of joy. To truly be able to be present to whatever comes up in our lives. Last night I returned to dance, although again with a feeling of guilt and my Mary Oliver phrase was "know what matters". Yes! I danced that phrase and held it deep within my being, and contemplate on that now as well. 

I am now trying to reconcile my feelings about this shift in our world, and trying to come to terms with accepting that things are not always the way we wanted them to be, the way we planned and expected them to be. Life unfolds the way it unfolds, and we have to learn to dance that life. So how do I begin to do this? We put one foot in front of the other, we do life as we always have, even though things might now be different. I have to give myself and my loves permission to dance, to cry, to be angry, to be fearful and to laugh. Yes to laugh. So we went to see "The Big Lebowski" on the big screen at the old Clinton Theater and we laughed. We laughed hard. I laughed every time Lebowski said that "the rug tied the room together". And the movie went on even when they pulled the rug out from under him......................