Saturday, October 19, 2013

Pain, Breaking Open, Releasing

It has been quite a while since I have written on my blog. Life wonderful wild challenging busy creating. I sit now struggling with a migraine that came the morning after dancing, with passion and fervor Tuesday night, to Mary Oliver's Blue Iris. I had been away from dance for a few weeks spending my amazing and unforgettable 60th birthday in Kauai, that was filled with never ending surprises, joy and richness beyond words, as my family one by one showed up to surprise me and celebrate and then arranging the ultimate surprise, renewing our wedding vows, with my beloved of almost 37 years, on my favorite beach, sun setting, with my loved ones surrounding us. It was the wedding celebration of a lifetime. I am beyond blessed. So here I sit, struggling through pain after pleasure, always questioning why. I ponder the poem that we danced. Mary Oliver's words are quite profound and moved me deeply. As I begin my 6th decade, there is so far to go, yet I have come so far. This poem gives me much to ponder, and even when the dancing and the pain have moved through me, I will still be lingering on these words of hers..... 

"Blue Iris"
Now that I'm free to be myself, who am I?
Can't fly, can't run and see how slowly I walk.
Well, I think, I can read books.
"What's that you're doing?"
the green-headed fly shouts as it buzzes past.

I close the book.
Well, I can write down words, like these, softly.
"What's that you're doing?" whispers the wind, pausing
in a heap just outside the window.

Give me a little time, I say back to its staring, silver face.
It doesn't happen all of a sudden, you know.

"Doesn't it?" says the wind, and breaks open, releasing
distillation of blue iris.

And my heart panics not to be, as I long to be,
the empty, waiting, pure, speechless receptacle.

~Mary Oliver~

"Doesn't it?" says the wind, and breaks open, releasing" was my line. It made me think of the palm trees surrounding me in Kauai, and the strong winds and rain that would blow through them each day for a brief time. They would bend, and dance with the wind, never losing site of the grounded rootedness, trusting that the wind and rain was temporary and they would stand tall and unscathed once again. It would pass and they had the wisdom to trust this. There were also skeleton-like trees that seemed unmoved by the wind and rain. It just passed through them by design. Someone once told me, that when faced with problems, challenges, questions....look to nature for the answers. I am trying to trust that the pain will blow over soon and that I will remain unscathed, although when it comes it seems as though it will last forever. When I feel good, I feel attached to it, and don't want it to end.  I will remain rooted. I will not let the winds of pain uproot me. I might feel like I am breaking, breaking down, breaking open, but maybe this is part of the releasing, the breaking through.  I must trust in this.