Monday, April 5, 2010

Therapy.....With Baby Steps I Return to My Clay Chair Installation Project and More...

Over the past few days I have begun to dip my right hand and wrist in the therapeutic parrafin wax bath again. I am once again, saving the ghost hands that remain when I carefully remove the wax from my hand. I will continue this as long as I feel compelled to. I plan to culminate the collection by mounting them on a black board that will be back lit with Christmas lights that  my dear friend Katie so generously scavenged for me.

In addition, today I carefully touched clay for the first time, post surgery. I gingerly and with much trepidation took a small piece of soft clay and delicately formed a chair. I tried to move my hand only in ways that did not cause pain. I will number the post surgical chairs to join with the three pre- surgery chairs. I am going to keep making them until they no longer call to me. I am doing these things to keep from bouncing off the walls due to my worry over my son's health issues. I am seeking them as therapy for my hand and heart. Somehow the creating does not feel satisfying as I hoped and thought it would be, because my mind is elsewhere, as is my heart. I thought I could somehow heal my spirit, so I would have more to offer him, but this is not the case. I am still not able to drive and am still taking care of myself mostly left handed. I am offering all I can, and all that he needs, by just being present for him, talking with him, sending him all the healing energy a mother is capable of, and loving him. He is blessed with a wonderful loving wife to care for him, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I am also obsessively trying to buy antique pocket watches on e-bay for future sculptures and assemblages. I have not quite gotten the hang of bidding and winning successfully yet. I am trying to find comfort in gathering, collecting, nesting, thinking about time, time gone by, time wasted, wasted moments, fleeting life, memory.

I will continue to create. I realize on an intellectual level that I cannot fix my loved ones, but have yet to grasp it on an emotional level. I can only be here for him and be here for myself. I have to relinquish control over trying to carry the ones I love and trying to fix them and the world single handedly. (even I realize that I am setting myself up for a huge failure if I have that expectiation). 

Time to surrender to what is and stop seeking the reasons why. It is what it is, even though I want things to be different. Life continues to reveal this to me, yet it never seem to get easier to accept. 
Such is life I suppose~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The relation you have to yourself is the first and most important step to freedom. It is when you are centered in yourself that you really can give to others without expectations."

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