Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Sleeping In The Forest

Last night at dance, the magic and mystery once again unfolded. Mary Oliver's words never cease to amaze me,and I am always awestruck by how relevant her words are to me. The line that chose me for the evening, in this richly beautiful poem was;

"but my thoughts, and they floated 
light as moths among the branches"
I was conflicted about the word I would choose to reflect on in my personal dance. I wanted it to be "floated", "but my thoughts" were competing. I decided not to decide, and to let the dance be what it needed to be. I had so many emotions swirling around in my head, that I decided to surrender to them and to allow what needed to be, just be. We  began our dance with waiting, listening. When I was ready to have the music move me, I surrendered to it. I felt myself floating above my thoughts. I did not fight the ever present chatter, but instead allowed it to flow, and so flowed my dance. I felt very rooted, and tree like, yet light and floating above myself. Towards the end, standing tall and strong, my arms were suspended in mid air. I tried to raise them up toward the sky, but I felt such a powerful resistance that was incredible. No matter how hard I tried to lift my arms reaching toward the sky, something palpable was in my way. Was it something inside of me, inside my head or was it an outside force? It felt larger than myself. I felt the weight of my emotions heavy upon my arms. It was an amazing feeling. Not good, not bad, just heavy. I had to decide not to fight it, but to surrender to what was, at that moment, in that space, in that body. After what seemed like an eternity, the heaviness lifted and I began to relax into the final dance as it winded down to a natural ending. I felt spent, I felt heavy, I felt sadness, I felt light, I felt and feel confused. Surrendering to what "is", is not nor has ever been easy for me. I wondered if it is truly easy for anyone? How do I make my life more like my dance? More of a surrender to what I do not have control of, and in doing so, ironically begin to feel as if I have more control over my life. I reflect upon whether the dance is my body and mind's way of processing my life, or if my life is what creates my dance. I suspect that it is a bit of both. Sometimes there is no answer, it is in the searching that the answer might possibly be revealed. Perhaps, the answer is right in front of me, but I can't see it yet? Perhaps.................
Sleeping in the Forest    
I thought the earth remembered me, she
took me back so tenderly, arranging
her dark skirts, her pockets
full of lichens and seeds. I slept
as never before, a stone
on the riverbed, nothing
between me and the white fire of the stars
but my thoughts, and they floated 
light as moths among the branches 

of the perfect trees. All night
I heard the small kingdoms breathing 
around me, the insects, and the birds
who do their work in the darkness. All night
I rose and fell, as if in water, grappling
with a luminous doom. By morning
I had vanished at least a dozen times
into something better.
~~Mary Oliver~~

taken by Winky at Breitenbush 2010

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