Tuesday, September 20, 2011

A Disappointing Setback

Saturday, Sep. 17
Real life isn't always going to be perfect or go our way, but the recurring acknowledgement of what is working in our lives can help us not only to survive but surmount our difficulties.
Sara Ban Breathnach

Well, there was no choice but to listen to my body, although I longed for it to be different. Longing doesn't change the reality of the situation though. I threw my back out at dance last Tuesday night and the following days of pain and spasm told me that I would not be able to attend the Catch the Light dance retreat in The Gorge this past weekend with my dance community. I have been so heartbroken about missing yet another event I was counting on, and so tired of feeling betrayed by my body once again. I keep trying to "figure out" what I did that hurt my back, but the fact remains that camping out or sleeping in my car, and then an evening and morning of dancing in the meadow, was not going to be in my best interest, no matter how much I wished the pain away. I try to remain grateful, knowing this is a temporary setback, something small in the big scheme of things, yet giving myself permission to feel disappointed. I am not being left out of the event, I am just learning to choose to take care of my body, myself, in any way that is necessary at this time. I longed to be amongst the other small group of dancers sharing community and dancing like moving sculptures in prayer to Mother Nature and moving in the meadow overlooking The Gorge, in the morning mist and chilly drizzle, as if they were rooted and growing from the land, a part of the moving ever changing landscape. But I know that The Gorge will be there next year, and I can dance there again, for the first time. I was there in spirit this time. The Gorge will be different, as will the dancers, as will I. It is a moment to moment dance in this life we are moving through. Sometimes the most important thing you can do is bear witness to the movement, the stillness, the change, no matter how much you want to be an active part of it. There is always so much to witness day to day, moment to moment, but in our hurried, harried days, we miss so much. Now, not by the choice I desired, I witness Catch The Light from afar and trust that some of that Light was emitted and dispersed from the lovely dancers in The Gorge, and a bit of it trickled down on me in Portland. That I too am a part of that dance just in the awareness, the witnessing, the being, from afar. Next time, I hope I will be able to touch it a bit closer. I can only hope, but for now, it is what it is, and I hope to move later this week, consciously and carefully at Inquiry. For now, I will try to take it moment by moment, and day to day. I think that now, as I see the almost autumn trees that are beginning to turn outside my window, glistening in the early afternoon sunlight, that I will take a walk. Today, that is the best dance that I can do, and I accept, that this is enough.

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