Saturday, March 19, 2011

Yearning and Threshold

Then the quiet set in, outside, but not within me. I tried to engage, but found myself with my back to the "village" as Winky phrased it, of dancers, as we began to move in our own way. The idea of thinking of a village of dancers that are a part of a unit, rather than being a witness that somehow places us separate, outside the group. Last night, I felt more like a witness rather than a part of a village. 

We meditated on the idea of "Threshold". A perfect and powerful word for right now, both personally and globally. Ourselves being vertical conduits between the sky and the earth. Also our ability to be horizontal conduits to give out from ourselves to the rest of the world, especially in a time of feeling helpless to heal those who are trying to find peace and healing amidst natural disaster.

1. A piece of wood or stone placed beneath a door; a doorsill.
2. An entrance or a doorway.
3. The place or point of beginning; the outset.
4. The point that must be exceeded to begin producing a given effect or result or to elicit a response: a low threshold of pain.

For me, this brought up many things, but especially painfully resonated, as the child in me, who was constantly reminded and judged negatively, that my threshold for pain is very low, a judgement of a condition that cannot be anything different than it is (see my Living The Princess & The Pea earlier entry). 
I also meditated on the image of threshold a being a transition from one place to another, a gateway of sorts. Being on one side, yet yearning to be on the other. I meditated on yearning.

       A persistent, often wistful or melancholy desire;

prolonged unfulfilled desire or need,
desire , the feeling that accompanies an unsatisfied state,
hankeringyen - a yearning for something or to do something,
pining - a feeling of deep longing,
wishfulness - an unrealistic yearning,
wistfulness - a sadly pensive longing,
nostalgia - longing for something past,
discontentdiscontentednessdiscontentment - a longing for something better than the present situation

One member of my village of dancers, met me where I was, and danced tenderly with me. He later shared that he usually feels shy dancing with others, but did not last night. Oh I know that all too well. There was a feeling of safety. Toward the end of the three hours, as I lay on the floor, legs over a stool, eyes closed, my back to the group, I was suddenly aware that my "curls" were being lightly, lovingly, danced with by one of my beloved dance partners. She playfully and tenderly interacted with me through my hair, and then danced away. At first, I did not know who it was but I got a glimpse of her as she danced away.   It turned my sadness of that moment, into pure joy and put a smile on my face, and in my heart.

At the end we gathered in a circle. We discussed this place of yearning and how we all feel this at some time, at some level. The gift is in accepting. That the yearning is a part of the living, the growing, the connecting. The lesson to be learned in all this, is how to be with that yearning, to accept it, without needing for it to be different. I suppose that, therein lies the contradiction.

As I reflect on it all this morning, I have no regrets for having gone last night. My body did hurt more afterward. My spirit felt and still feels conflicted. My heart felt better from having gone, and been with some of my favorite dancers. But, I am filled with sadness though, and am still struggling with the yearning, the learning. How do I begin to allow, surrender, accept this yearning without needing it to be any different? How? Yes, indeed, how?

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