Struggling To See the Beauty Through a Less Painful Lens

Today was the last day to see the Tulip Farm, which I had never visited before. I thought the fresh air and beautiful colors of the tulips would be therapeutic for my horrible 3 day and counting migraine. Unfortunately, that was not the case, but with the lens of my camera as my new eye that seemed to feel no pain, we collaborated to capture some of the fading beauty of the Spring tulips, on the last legs of their life. Some of them seem as if an entire universe existed inside each unique flower, and others seem like birds on the verge of flight. I longed to climb inside them and take a brief healing nap like a Lilliputian. The wind and my wrist also added to the challenges of picture taking. I was also craving some peacefulness among the quiet beauty of the vastness of flowers, but unfortunately the other visitors there did not share my need for solitude with the flowers. Expectations..... Again my patience and tolerance continues to be tested.....

An Old Window, A New View

Well the window is now completed and hanging proudly. This is its history.......

.........As soon as I was up to an outing after my wrist surgery, Michael and I went for a hike up Multnomah Falls. On the way home, I coaxed him into stopping at The Rebuilding Center, one of my favorite hangouts, to buy an old window. I had plans to make a piece to hang on our front porch. When I was climbing the walls a few days later, I put on my empty backpack and hopped on the bus headed for my first field trip to Kline Glass. The plan was to get enough broken colored glass to create a glass mosaic on the old window. I thought it was a very optimistic move on my part, to have a goal to create something new out of an old window and some broken glass, given my current limitations and rather broken creative spirit. How could I have known that it would turn into so much more for me in oh so many ways? I put a work glove on my left hand, initially to prevent cutting my hand as I dug through the boxes and bins of broken glass, but I know it was actually to keep me from forgetting myself and trying to use my healing right hand as I got lost in exploration of the jeweled morsels. After a few minutes, (ok, truth be told almost an hour!) I had filled my backpack to capacity. I wanted to ensure having enough glass to finish my creation. Well.... you pay by the pound, and when I tried to lift it with my left arm for the weigh in, I knew I was in big trouble. Eleven plus pounds later, my backpack and I headed back onto the bus with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head!

~~Fast forward a few days later, to the morning of February 23, 2010. I began to mourn the death of Jen Warnock who left us at 6:21 a.m. I had to keep busy to survive the anger, shock, and emptiness of this sudden, unfair, tragic loss. Jen touched hundreds of people's lives. She birthed us all in her many ways, as teacher, midwife, dancer, friend, mother, redheaded spitfired spirit and more...............

How does one begin to put something back together again, once it has been broken? My healing broken wrist begins to feel so incredibly small in the big picture of life and death. The limitations present themselves to me, yet I know I must move forward, to cope with and begin to heal the many things I am feeling this morning. It is storming outside and inside. In my studio, I begin to manipulate the vibrant pieces of broken glass with my left hand and work in a frenzy, to create a puzzle of sorts on the old window.I am trying to make things fit. I have always hated puzzles, because there is only one correct solution. This creation however, holds many possibilities, many choices, many answers, many solutions. Some work better for me than others. As I move the glass and each piece begins to relate to the other pieces as they dance past each other, they find their resting place. The place that feels like its new home. It is a meditation for me, as some of my favorite music plays in the background. This process helps me to remember, by trying to forget. It is healing to see that something beautiful can be created by combining broken pieces, each with their own vibrancy, into a new complete whole. The broken can become beautiful. Not the way they were before, but coming together to create something entirely new, yet maintaining the essence of what they once were. I will continue this process of moving and shifting, until it feels complete.


~~Fast forward to April 5............. I have been gluing and smearing and wiping grout frenetically, as I try once again to deal with pain, frustration and a sense of loss of sorts. Adam has had a bad fall the day before he was about meet with the Doctor to be scheduled for invasive back fusion surgery. He has broken three ribs, and the surgery will not be able to be rescheduled for at least six weeks after he heals. Michael and Jenni are both out of the country, and I am stranded home unable to drive. I feel so lost and helpless as a mother, wanting to, needing to, fix my son and take his pain away. More brokenness that cannot be fixed by me. He is not alone though. I am so blessed that he has his beloved and nurturing new wife Tiffany there for him. But still, more brokenness keeps coming up.  I must learn a way to effectively face and deal with that feeling of helplessness, brokenness and powerlessness. Do I try to contact Michael and Jenni abroad, in separate countries, or accept that they too are powerless to change Adam's situation. Nevertheless, it all weighs heavily upon me and I try to have the strength to carry it. I cover the window with grout and wait to remove the dirt that seems to have totally obliterated my colorful mosaic. Does it still exist under all that darkness? It is time to remove the grout. I rub, and wash, and rub and wipe over and over again, and eventually after what seems like hours, the colors begin to reappear. I can see what I have created begin to emerge.


~~The finale...................The  window is completed..............Michael helped me hang it on our front porch this weekend. I am filled with such a sense of satisfaction, completion, and pride, yet still, a lingering sadness. It will be a reminder of so much, every time I gaze upon it in my daily comings and goings. 


......Jen is gone, in body but not in spirit. She will always be with me, in me, a part of me, in all the gifts she has given me. Every time the light hits the window in a special way, I know the reds will shine especially brightly. I even suspect that on a particularly dark, dreary day, the reds will shine as though some inner light was illuminating them. I know where that light is coming from, and I will smile or possibly cry, but there is space for all my emotions.

.....Adam is still in a lot of pain, but he is healing slowly. His back surgery will come in its due time. He will be strong. He is so well loved and taken care of by all of us near and far. He will be put back together again in a new and stronger way and he too will shine.

.....I am on the road to recovery as my wrist begins to slowly heal. I am trying to be patient, use my hand carefully, do my occupational therapy and try to be optimistic, as I look forward to dancing at Breitenbush in June with my community and Jen watching over us all, and laughing no doubt.


And so, nothing remains the same. Beauty shifts, changes and looks differently depending on the time and light of day. My vision changes based on my mood that day as well. There is no one right way to beauty, just as there is no one right way to life. Sometimes we have to put the pieces back together, but it is never in the same way it was. We have just so much control over what is and what will become. And yes, life can be just as fleeting as the momentary light, as it passes through a piece of colored glass.

The Right Brain Initiative

I am very excited about the next project that I will be involved in. It is called The Right Brain Initiative. Please check out the linked short video to get a sense of what it is all about.

The vision of The Right Brain Initiative is to achieve a measurable impact on learning by integrating the community’s arts and cultural resources into the education of every K-8 student in the region’s school districts. The Initiative is a collaboration among educators, parents, artists, local governments, business leaders, and donors who are working to achieve this vision in an equitable, systemic, and sustainable way. RACC serves as managing partner of the program. 

I will be working as a volunteer photo documentarian. I am thrilled to be able to photograph various events in the schools as well as the artists, teachers and administrators who’ve participated in Right Brain programs to present and reflect on the work they’ve completed this year. 

I am passionate about photography and have always been an advocate of the arts in education, ever since my now 27 and 30 year old "kids" were in school. I always worked in their school in the arts and this is a perfect way to meld my interests and skills!

Wrap up on The Chair Affair

Well a fun time was had by all and almost every chair found it's way to a new home.

Mother Nature

"In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they're still beautiful" ~~Alice Walker
But as I listen to the pouring rain, the hail, the flailing trees; as the branches fall on my roof and porch, it feels as though mother nature shares my feelings of anger and frustration at this moment.

Therapy.....With Baby Steps I Return to My Clay Chair Installation Project and More...

Over the past few days I have begun to dip my right hand and wrist in the therapeutic parrafin wax bath again. I am once again, saving the ghost hands that remain when I carefully remove the wax from my hand. I will continue this as long as I feel compelled to. I plan to culminate the collection by mounting them on a black board that will be back lit with Christmas lights that  my dear friend Katie so generously scavenged for me.

In addition, today I carefully touched clay for the first time, post surgery. I gingerly and with much trepidation took a small piece of soft clay and delicately formed a chair. I tried to move my hand only in ways that did not cause pain. I will number the post surgical chairs to join with the three pre- surgery chairs. I am going to keep making them until they no longer call to me. I am doing these things to keep from bouncing off the walls due to my worry over my son's health issues. I am seeking them as therapy for my hand and heart. Somehow the creating does not feel satisfying as I hoped and thought it would be, because my mind is elsewhere, as is my heart. I thought I could somehow heal my spirit, so I would have more to offer him, but this is not the case. I am still not able to drive and am still taking care of myself mostly left handed. I am offering all I can, and all that he needs, by just being present for him, talking with him, sending him all the healing energy a mother is capable of, and loving him. He is blessed with a wonderful loving wife to care for him, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I am also obsessively trying to buy antique pocket watches on e-bay for future sculptures and assemblages. I have not quite gotten the hang of bidding and winning successfully yet. I am trying to find comfort in gathering, collecting, nesting, thinking about time, time gone by, time wasted, wasted moments, fleeting life, memory.

I will continue to create. I realize on an intellectual level that I cannot fix my loved ones, but have yet to grasp it on an emotional level. I can only be here for him and be here for myself. I have to relinquish control over trying to carry the ones I love and trying to fix them and the world single handedly. (even I realize that I am setting myself up for a huge failure if I have that expectiation). 

Time to surrender to what is and stop seeking the reasons why. It is what it is, even though I want things to be different. Life continues to reveal this to me, yet it never seem to get easier to accept. 
Such is life I suppose~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The relation you have to yourself is the first and most important step to freedom. It is when you are centered in yourself that you really can give to others without expectations."

~~Dharma~~

Although it feels like Winter..............................

“Spring has returned.

The Earth is like a child that  knows poems.”

                   ~~Rainer Maria Rilke~~

My dear friend Renee reminded me that, although I have been feeling like a spectator in life lately, watching everyone live their lives, that HEALING is an ACTIVE process! I am very grateful to her for reminding me of this important way of looking at my life in this moment. No doubt I will have to remember to keep reminding myself of this.

 I have been working a bit on the mosaic of colored glass window piece I began before my wrist surgery. I am reassembling, recreating, joining together broken pieces to create a new, colorful blending of discarded glass, that seemed to have no real purpose in their broken state. I am bringing together the once broken pieces, to solidify them into a new colorful, beautiful, purposeful whole; a new normal. Once completed, it will hang on my front porch, catching the light, and every time I gaze upon it, remind me of this new, vibrant beginning. A metaphor for my life??????????????????

Leave No Plastic Behind Project Update

International Plastic Quilt Project Progress Report From the field in Merida, Mexico:
We have finished up our time with a small community, located on the Gulf of Mexico, where we have been very well received by the media (http://tinyurl.com/yaz7vmz) and those who have participated in our educational and craft workshops to create more squares for the quilt. We divided the workshop so that it evenly presented the problems and solutions associated with the issue of so much plastic accumulating in our shared earth. In his artistic statement one participant said, " I used to throw my plastic onto the ground because I didn't understand that there was a problem with doing it. Now that I understand, I won't do it anymore."

In the United Kingdom, a teacher is organizing her art students to make at least 30 squares and to organize exhibits locally.

In the United States, the quilt will be on display at the Chessman Gallery in Lincoln City, OR “Turning Recycled Trash . . . Into Art Treasures” Gallery Show: Saturday, April 3rd thru Friday, April 30th

Earth Day Artists Reception: Saturday, April 24, 2pm-4pm , @Lincoln City Cultural Center www.lincolncityculturalcenter.com 540 N# Hwy 101, Lincoln City, OR. 

The quilt has also been accepted into the Maker Faire in San Francisco this May. It will finally be more quilt-like for this event, since segments of the piece will be permanently sewn together.

The Chair Affair Opening Reception

                                             SOLD
Well despite the rain,(like that ever keeps Portlanders from going out and about!), the opening reception for The Chair Affair at the Galleria was attended in a lively way with a delightful outpouring of supporters and art lovers. I was so happy to see so many of my friends come out to support us. People crawled through the window displays to get upclose and personal with all the exciting creations, as well as strolled by Mario's and PH Reed, to see the chairs on display in their windows. I am happy to say, there were quite a few chair sales during the evening! I was also so pleasantly surprised to find out the next day, that my lovely dance community friend Claire will be the proud owner of "Finding Home". I can't think of a better person for the piece to find it's way home to! I am honored that she sees the value and heart and soul I put into creating the piece and hope she continues to enjoy it as it reveals itself to her in the time to come. I can't wait to see how many wonderful creations find their new homes the evening of the auction on April 8th! I know it will be a fabulous evening filled with fun, friends and surprises.

Easier Said Than Done But I am Trying

"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."

- John Wooden

Free Opening Reception Tomorrow for The Chair Affair!

Tomorrow is the  Last Thursday opening reception for The Chair Affair from 5-8 pm at The Galleria SW 11th and Alder, with other chairs on display at Mario'sat SW Broadway and Taylor (one of my chairs is at Mario's and the other at The Galleria) and PH Reed on NW 11th & Glisan in The Pearl. It is a great opportunity to see all the chairs that will be auctioned off at The Chair Affair and have the opportunity to then purchase them on the website if you were not one of the lucky ones to get a ticket to the sold out event on April 8th. By the way some of the chairs have already been sold!! It's a great cause so come out and support the Community Warehouse!

What Does the Future Hold???

"The world was made round so that we would never be able to see too far down the road."

- Isak Dinesen

I guess I have to stop fighting this and be content with being in the moment. Not easy but a practice that I want to try to begin. I would also like to give myself permission to not be too hard on myself if I take a step backward trying to use binoculars!

Sit quietly, doing nothing, spring comes, and the grass grows by itself. —Zen saying

Yesterday, the first day of Spring, we took a road trip to Astoria for the day. As we drove, the view along the river was lovely, the crisp view of Mt. St. Helens beckoned us like a luscious vanilla ice cream cone in the distance. The journey through the pass of evergreens enveloped us in their arms. We browsed shops, I looking for inspiration and treasures for my hopefully soon to come next art piece that is waiting in the wings. I peeked into the County Jail where volunteers young and old, painted the jail cells an oddly cheerful yellow, readying it for the soon to be Goonie museum celebration. Lunch with a view of the Columbia, fog rolling in, barges and colorful tug boats afloat, enhanced the quiet simplicity of a slower town, with the feel of an era gone by. We drove home listening to some of my favorite music, home to begin this new season of greatly anticipated growth.

Welcoming the Spring Equinox with Reflective Dance Practice

I went to dance with feelings of hesitation, fear, trepidation, and ambivalence.  How could I lose myself in the dance and meditation, yet stay present in my body and protect my healing wrist from injury? Frustrated and confined by my splint and sling I did only what I could. I  was restless during the  sitting meditations, wrestling with my mind. The circle of 13 women holding space for the absent, yet forever present Jen, was palpable. I began to feel safe, respected, honored  and protected, and I was able to let go into the dance, engage and trust. We spoke about the idea of this larger, cultural space of Nepantla rooted in the creation of a new middle. The two bodies of movement, the water, the dance with the resting space of land in between the two. Sometimes, it is a reference to living in the borderlands or crossroads, and the process of creating alternative spaces in which to live, function or create.The idea of The New Normal, is a concept that resonated for me. Change is inevitable. The Question that remains is how do I practice non-resistence? 

"One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save" 

~~Mary Oliver~~

Visiting The Windows

I strolled downtown to enjoy people watching on the square, taking pictures of  The Chair Affair Windows (you can see the pictures by clicking on the link),  stopping into a few galleries in the Pearl, and napping on a bench in the sun at Jamison Park. It felt good to get out, move, engage in the world instead of being a self imposed injured hermit). I had an inspiring conversation at the Blackfish Gallery with the featured artist Paul Missal.  One of his paintings especially intrigued me. It depicted Han Xiang one of the Eight Taoist Immortals who demonstrated the power of the Tao by pouring out cup after cup of wine from the gourd without end. The phrase Paul Missal had in the description with the title resonated within me. It was "What can I bring forth in you"? I am meditating on this notion of what I can bring forth in myself regardless of my limitations as I perceive them, and with that change the way I feel.

Reflective Practice

"Dance, when you’re broken open. 
Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. 
Dance in the middle of the fighting. 
Dance in your blood. 
Dance, when you’re perfectly free."

~~Rumi 

 Tomorrow night I look forward to attending the

 Reflective Dance Practice with Winky

 I desperately need to MOVE both inside and out 

 A creative expression through and in my body

 to be in touch with myself inside and out

 a moving meditation 

 that will hopefully bring me

 a sense of peace, calm

 present and accepting my body

 at this moment in this place,

 not being able to change what is

 physically limiting with my wrist

 but how I can be with it,

 and begin to accept what is~~~~~~~~ 

I am looking hard to find the blessing and can't quite see it yet

"I've never felt a pain that didn't bear a blessing."

Gene Knudsen Hoffman

A Day of Mourning, Community and Celebration of the Incredible Life of Jen Warnock

"Daylight, full of small dancing particles
and the one great turning, our souls
are dancing with you, without feet, they dance.
Can you see them when I whisper in your ear?"

~~Rumi

We Join Together In Celebration of the Life of Jen Warnock

Join us as we remember and celebrate the life of Jen Warnock March 16, 2010 With love in our hearts and tears in our eyes, we extend an invitation to you to join us in celebration of Jen Warnock. We'll gather together in community to honor, grieve and pay tribute to this magnificent woman. Tuesday March 16, 2010 Unitarian Universalist Church Corner of SW 12th and  Main

Creative Chair Filled Windows!

I have 2 chairs in 2 different locations that I created for The Chair Affair auction. The preview reception is at the Galleria SW 10th & ALDER from 5-8pm on March 25th . My small mixed media "chair" piece "Finding Home" is in the window where the reception will be. My second large actual chair "Pieces of the Past" is on display in the window of Mario's located at 833 Southwest Broadway. Please swing by Mario's that night as well to see my creation for the auction.Mario's is on the corner of SW Broadway and Taylor. Although Mario's closes around 6pm the chair is already in the window so please check it out on the way to the reception if you can or afterwards. The displays look great. If you are not able to be at the Community Warehouse Chair Affair reception, I hope you will visit The Galleria and Mario's, and PH Reed windows to see all the wonderful chairs that will be on view until the auction, that were created by artists for the Chair Affair annual Auction taking place on April 8th. For those of you interested in supporting the Community Warehouse but can't make it to the auction, the chairs are available for purchase directly on the Community Warehouse website.