"Who Made The Grasshopper?"

Last night we danced Mary Oliver's "The Summer Day" , my line being "Who made the grasshopper"? When we all read our randomly chosen lines, it became a poem in itself. I had some "line envy" wishing I had picked one of the other wonderfully intriguing lines to dance, but mine came to me for a reason as always. As I danced I thought about the word WHO. I opened to the questions and the possibilities through my dance. I found I was reaching up with open arms a lot during the session, as if to question, and be an open vessel to what life brings to me, what can come if I am open. As the Zen saying goes, when the student is ready the teacher will appear.  The answer to the WHO, kept coming back to me as ME.  As the dance ended and we lay on the floor and as always, were treated to being ready the poem, in its entirety, in the order Mary Oliver intended~~~

"Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?"

As I listened to the poem a smile came over my face and I felt peaceful and happy. I realized that I had truly been dancing the poem in it's entirety all night without even knowing it. I had known the poem deep down inside of me and the line "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" hangs on my refrigerator! I had been reaching, leaping, floating, flinging and spinning, with wing-like arms spread all night without realizing that I had embodied the poem. I rejoiced knowing that I am truly living this one wild precious life to the fullest. "I know how to pay attention", to the little things. To see the extraordinary in the ordinary. I am that grasshopper who is continually flinging herself out of the grass and embracing life!

Digesting Breitenbush 2010

I don't know why it has taken me so long to fully digest and embrace my experience at this year's Breitenbush-Imagination • Motion • Power--A Soul Motion Experience. For me, words usually come easily, but this dance experience was so powerful that it has been difficult for me to articulate it until now, a week later. 

When I first drove up the long gravel path into the woods, I felt the world begin to melt away. At our first gathering I felt..............I have arrived.............I am arriving....... simultaneous feelings. My fears begin to be assuaged. A friend reminds me "the dance remembers me" and that is comforting. Another friend reminds me " I am here to meet me". How blessed to feel a sense of belonging in my dance family. My intention for the weekend is "to be true to myself". Before the first gathering I skip on the labyrinth.

We gather. I dance, feeling the floor under my dance-shoed feet, but my feet need to connect with the ground on so many levels so I tear my shoes off. To return, to arrive, I dance, I sweat. I feel alive connected, grounded and home once again. The warm sweet sweat pours down my head, face, body. The dance builds and then when it comes to stillness, I stand tall and strong, rooted and tree-like, arms wide open and receptive to what is, what will be. As I reach upward toward the sky, eyes closed, a single cool droplet of ?? touches my cheek and seems to come from somewhere other than my body. I feel Jen's presence at that moment, in a surreal yet comforting way. Later in the hot natural springs I melt futher. We talk about remembering,  rememberance, Meshi shares the beautiful Lakota word for this, "wokiksuye". Then the Spanish phrase "lo siento", translating to, "I am sorry and I feel it".....I sleep deeply that night.

The next day down at the river is phenomenal. The river is running so fast, high and powerfully crashing over the rocks, it is frighteningly exhilerating. We meditate on the rocks, feeling the river, becoming the river, losing the boundary between self and river. Before returning, people begin to spontaneously and delicately plant picked daisies in my curly hair. The tenderness is overwhelming. I feel like a flower child and they confirm that I am. I blossom.....

We walk in meditation back to the dance space and begin to dance the river. It is incredible as the movement builds from the place of quiet rock like stillness, and crescendos till we all explode in the most amazingly powerful dance. I am exhausted and energized. The river is me, I am the river, the flow is always present, the river is a constant that is everchanging~~~~~~~~~~

I read what is written near the sacred soaking tub. 

The West seems to be the direction I am learning to honor. West~Fall~Introspection~Water~Evening~Life~Maturity.  

Fall is the season of harvest when all we have learned comes to fruition and ready to share. In the reflective gloss of sunset we look into ourselves with acceptance, gratitude and compassion. Introspection, the virtue of the West considers all we have gained and how we may share it with others. I return to the dance.

Can I move to and hear a slower rhythm of the music inside, even when the music is pumping, can I turn down the volume and hear the spaces between the notes? Can I listen to the pace of the music, the rhythm within? Can I witness more and move less and in doing so let my body engage more, listen more, give myself permission to sit this one out? My body and head ache. Can I listen to that. The music drives me and I can not resist it's powerful pull.

The next morning after the dance of visualizing the air beneath us, holding us up feeling alighted, and then the air on top weighing me down, all the emotions I have been holding well up and I begin to cry. The feeling of supporting and being supported, wanting to fix others and be fixed, the energy it takes to heal. It feels like almost too much to bear at this moment. I am exhausted. The community gathers again after the break with laughter, I am not yet prepared to join. I look outside at the trees and the blue sky and inside, to see the gifts the dance continues to bring to me and I allow the necessary tears. I sit listening to the river inside and the water splashes within and without and the tears run down my cheeks. Can I re-enter the dance of "the other" yet? I remember my intention to be true to myself, authentic in my dance. I step out and begin to witness the others in their incredible beauty as they dance with each other. There is a longing to be a part of it, yet such a richness and honor in witnessing them. My tears turn to tears of Joy not tears of burden. Seeing my favorite people move so effortlessly and absolutely stunningly together. The love, the listening the knowing of each others bodies, the sense of intimacy without losing a sense of self. My longing is heavy and deep. Suddenly the song begins to play and the lyrics I have spoken of before by Afro Celt begins to play, as if it is being sung for my benefit alone, like an offering, a welcoming.....

"When I’m traveling far from home
On the wide horizon
I can feel you’re still around
And the dream overtakes me

 Then I know, you’ll stay in this moment
We’ll go where it’s flowing
You’ll be what you want to be
Right here, with me

 When I’m out here on my own
And it all cuts through me
I see you’re safe alone
Ah, then it hits me

 And I know, you’re here in this moment
Right where it’s flowing
You are what you want to be
Right here, with me

 Stay in this moment
Go where it’s flowing
You are what you want to be
Right here, with me . . . with me . . . with me. . ."

....... and begins to fill that deep longing. The next dance begins and I ask to enter the circle knowing the time is now right for me. We take turns in small groups dancing our own personal dance, while witnessed by the others. I dance, I dance hard, I dance powerfully, I dance my dance, I dance my life, I feel free, I feel rich, I feel authentic and true to myself and truly a part of not apart from this beautiful dance community, my other family of belonging. 
I am so grateful..........

Fortitude

The Turtle

breaks from the blue-black
skin of the water, dragging her shell
with its mossy scutes
across the shallows and through the rushes
and over the mudflats, to the uprise,
to the yellow sand,
to dig with her ungainly feet
a nest, and hunker there spewing
her white eggs down
into the darkness, and you think

of her patience, her fortitude,
her determination to complete
what she was born to do----
and then you realize a greater thing----
she doesn’t consider
what she was born to do.
She’s only filled
with an old blind wish.
It isn’t even hers but came to her
in the rain or the soft wind
which is a gate through which her life keeps walking.

She can’t see
herself apart from the rest of the world
or the world from what she must do
every spring.
Crawling up the high hill,
luminous under the sand that has packed against her skin,
she doesn’t dream
she knows
she is a part of the pond she lives in,
the tall trees are her children,
the birds that swim above her
are tied to her by an unbreakable string.

~ Mary Oliver ~

The Roller Coaster Called Life~~~~~~~

Well my feet are beginning to settle into home. It has been a wild and wonderful two weeks of travel and all things wonderful and I am trying to just digest it all and savor the richness. Travel is always difficult for me, as I am quite the homebody, but it was all beautifully full, so what more can I ask for? It will take me several posts to catch up and fully express my experiences these past weeks, so I will begin with the California leg of my travels. We visited our beloved Jenni as she had a last fling before a summer jaunt in Portland to test the waters before returning to SF in the fall for Holistic Culinary Arts College. I also had a consult with her Dr. who has a unique holistic Fourfold approach to health.  I have a lot of digesting to do regarding the changes, mostly dietary philosophy, that I will be making for myself in the coming months. It is going to be quite a challenge but will hopefully improve my quality of life. Change has never been easy for me, so I meet this new chapter with much trepidation, yet with hope. We then continued to have great fun during our SF visit. We BBQ'd with her wonderful friends, and then we, "the three amigos", explored Napa where the weather, food, laughter, wine and fun could not have been more wonderful. We stayed in a funky B & B and can actually say "Elvis slept there"!  We got to hear some amusing Hollywood gossip stories from the innkeeper. We then returned to finish the week off with my niece Emily's lovely graduation. We have invited her for her first solo trip to visit this summer. So glad we could share this family time in celebration.

Persistence of Memory

I am the first to arrive tonight. I blindly pick tonight's poem to be danced. My lyric line is "for their thick bodies rucked with lichen". I think of my healing body, my wrist, my tooth loss, the potential of my upcoming appointment with Dr. Cowen in S.F. to evaluated my overall health. I debated whether or not to dance tonight or to let my mouth heal another day. I had left my water bottle last time I danced and need it for Breitenbush so I went. I felt heavy, thick and tree like. Rooted yet heavy. Protective. The vision of lichen. 

Lichens occur in some of the most extreme environments on Earth and may be long lived.........

Lichens are unusual creatures................

A lichen is not a single organism the way most other living things are, but rather it is a combination of two organisms which live together intimately...... Lichens thrive in Oregon..........

Lichens include a fungus which cannot survive on its own -- it has become dependent on its algal partner for survival............

A lichen is a symbiosis............

That means that it is two or more organisms living together such that both are more successful within the partnership than they would have been if they were living on their own..................

Lichens conjure up the image of relationship for me. My relationship in my marriage as a wife, in our family as a mother. I thrive........... 

I begin my dance.......................

Black Oaks ~~ Mary Oliver~~

"Okay, not one can write a symphony, or a dictionary,
or even a letter to an old friend, full of remembrance
and comfort.
Not one can manage a single sound though the blue jays
carp and whistle all day in the branches, without
the push of the wind.
But to tell the truth after a while I'm pale with longing
for their thick bodies ruckled with lichen
and you can't keep me from the woods, from the tonnage
of their shoulders, and their shining green hair.
Today is a day like any other: twenty-four hours, a
little sunshine, a little rain.
Listen, says ambition, nervously shifting her weight from
one boot to another -- why don't you get going?
For there I am, in the mossy shadows, under the trees.
And to tell the truth I don't want to let go of the wrists
of idleness, I don't want to sell my life for money,
I don't even want to come in out of the rain." 

As I dance the lyrics of the song that is playing resonates for me and this becomes my mantra of the dance tonight............

                                               ........ "Stay in this moment

Go where it’s flowing
You are what you want to be"

~~~~~from Persistence of Memory~~~Afro Celt 

The Persistence of Memory.......... my first introduction to art...........the beginning of my passion with the surreal..........Dali.

My memory persists.

Cool News!!

The Portland Photo of the Week

This very cool photo, Someday, wins the Portland Photo of the Week. Jo Grishman will be enjoying a lot of coffee (or tea) thanks to this fine photo. I also wanted to include the quote from Jo's page: "What a caterpillar sees as the end of the world the butterfly sees as just the beginning".  Awesome.

Our weekly Portland photo winner scores a $20 gift certificate to a local Portland business.  Jo will receive a gift cert to one of our favorite coffee shops of all time, The Red E Cafe. The gorgeous Red E is located in North Portland and is one of the most highly esteemed coffee shops in all of Portland.  Read our review on the Portland coffee scene. There is a reason why our Portland coffee shops and coffee roasters get written up in the New York Times, folks.

Come and upload your Portland photos to the Photo Gallery for your chance to win each week.  Check back to see if your photo is selected for a spotlight in the weekly Portland blog! 

 

San Francisco Maker's Faire 2010

I was delighted to be a part of the Leave No Plastic Behind Project now known as Create Plenty. Since becoming a part of the project I have made a strong commitment to decreasing my use and and my family's use of plastic in our daily lives. I have made some drastic and permanent changes which make me truly feel like part of the solution. My square for the Leave No Plastic Behind project (fourth row down, third from the right) became part of a larger International Quilt Project that was accepted into the San Francisco Maker's Faire.

Thanks to Lydia, Vicky, Emily, and Jessica the International Plastic Quilt has been sewn onto vertical panels for display. It was exhibited to thousands in San Francisco Maker Faire this past weekend, some parts will be at the Lizard Lounge on June 3 for First Thursday in Portland's Pearl District. And some parts will be at the San Mateo County Fair in California during June...and...and...

Next stop...your school? Lobby? Gallery? Livingroom? It's ready to go, and in some cases a person along with it to lead workshops and presentations! Who knows where it will be next. I will possibly think of a place and arrange to display it as I did with the Rubia Quilt. Hopefully all the people that saw the Quilt or participated in creating it, will be impacted and inspired to make some permanent changes in their own daily use of plastics as well. It truly is a trickle down effect. Think of one thing that you can do to eliminate or decrease your plastic use. I now bring wax bags, that I ordered on line, to the deli counter and ask them to put my food in it instead of the plastic bag. It is an easy small change that can have a huge impact in the long run. Let your imagination run wild, get creative and imagine your own possibilities???!!!

 

Summer Excitement Building!!!!

"In the dew of little things, the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."
~~Kahlil Gibran~~The Prophet

I just found out that Jenni will be moving to Portland to give it a trial run this summer! Then she returns to SF to begin the Bauman College Holistic Culinary Arts Program. We are so proud of her and excited to have her join the Oregon family this summer! I couldn't be happier! She might love it as much as I do and decide to relocate here and put her culinary skill to good use in our gastronomically amazing town. 

On The Earth, Riding The Earth Past The Stars

Last night I danced, the rich dance of my chosen line from the "random" cut out pieces of paper lines, aligned in a lovely configuration on the floor, with the words hidden from view. My line was, "On The Earth, Riding The Earth Past The Stars" from another wonderful Mary Oliver poem shared by Winky.  A few minutes into the dance, I realized that the lines of poems that I have been dancing and saving, will find their places on the small, white clay chair installation I am working on. I have made two more chairs in the last two days, (two and three of the numbered P.O. or post-opp chairs) and plan to make another today. The dance was once again wonderful, as the music rose in waves, peaked and then settled down to a calming meditative place. I lay, legs up the rough exposed brick wall, sweating, with my eyes closed, listening to the calming last song. I opened my eyes midway to see that I was directly under a large skylight that glowed with amazing brightness, considering it was dark and rainy outside, as it has been for many days. With my legs up the wall, my perspective was skewed in a wonderfully magical way. I felt as though I could walk my feet up the wall, as though I was walking on the ground, a brick road, and walk through the door of the skylight. It was such an amazing feeling, to sense that I could actually walk through that portal of light after dancing, riding on the earth and reach the sky, past the stars. It never ceases to amaze me, the gifts that dance continually brings into my life.

After Arguing against the Contention That Art Must Come from Discontent

"Whispering to each handhold, "I'll be back,"
I go up the cliff in the dark. One place
I loosen a rock and listen a long time
till it hits, faint in the gulf, but the rush
of the torrent almost drowns it out, and the wind --
I almost forgot the wind: it tears at your side
or it waits and then buffets; you sag outward...

I remember they said it would be hard. I scramble
by luck into a little pocket out of
the wind and begin to beat on the stones
with my scratched numb hands, rocking back and forth
in silent laughter there in the dark--
"Made it again!" Oh how I love this climb!
-- the whispering to the stones, the drag, the weight
as your muscles crack and ease on, working
right. They are back there, discontent,
waiting to be driven forth. I pound
on the earth, riding the earth past the stars:
"Made it again! Made it again!""
~~Mary Oliver~~ 

A weekend at Cannon Beach

This weekend was another amazing trip to Cannon Beach. It is my annual Mother's Day gift from Michael, staying at the incomparably beautiful Stephanie Inn. Our room faces the ocean and is just a walk out to the beach. We walk, are hypnotised by the powerful beauty of the Pacific, have daily wine tastings in their ocean front parlor, dine on incredibly prepared works of culinary art in their restaurant, sit by the fireplace, soak in the jacuzzi, and just float away into nirvana. I took this picture  from our patio overlooking the beach and Haystack Rock. We were treated to incredibly beautiful weather and an amazing sunset. Boy, life is good and I am so lucky to have Michael and his amazing nurturing generosity in my life. He makes it all possible and sharing it with him is one of the many, many things that make my life so blessed.

The Right Brain Initiative First Photo Shoots

I had a blast photo documenting my first three Right Brain Initiative events. The first was the unveiling of two fabulous murals that the students enthusiastically and proudly created with Artist in Residence Rodolfo Serna at Meriwether Lewis Elementary School. Rudolfo also invited a group of Aztec dancer performing ceremonial dances to kick off this fantastic and totally inspiring event. The unveiling coincided with the entire school's Annual Art Night. I was absolutely blown away to see the huge turnout of supportive parents, teachers and students, who all see the immense value of the arts in the school as an integral part of the holistic learning model that The Right Brain Initiative promotes.

The following week I spent two days following the teams at The World Forestry Center as they met and shared the projects the dozens of schools were involved in this year. Teachers, Principles, Art Liaisons, Artists in Residents and other people involved in the Right Brain Initiative presented the multi-media approaches they employed, with in intention of integrating the visual and performing arts into the reading, writing, science, history and other standard curriculum subjects. Selected students were evaluated before and after participating in the Visiting Artists units, to see the impact the programs had on their learning. I was overwhelmed with the extent of participation and the outcome of growth shown by the students. I did not even get to absorb the full extent of the program, since I had to hop from room to room to document the many events taking place on film. I am so excited about this program, and look forward to many more events that I can participate in with the Right Brain Initiative.

Counting My Blessings

I had the most wonderful Mother's Day! For the first time I got to spend the day with Michael and all three of my children! Wow!! I was served a wonderful meal prepared with loving hands and lots of dog drool to boot. The gifts I received were so thoughtful and wonderful, although the gift of being with four of my favorite people was present enough. In addition, on Tuesday an even greater gift was seeing my new wrist x-ray and to actually be able to see the bone beginning to fill in. Now the most perfect gift I can pray for is Adam having a positive appointment with his surgeon next week. The outcome of Adam being healed is all I could ever wish for right now. Still I count my too numerous to mention blessings! I feel so loved so who could ask for anything more!

Returning to The Dance

Last night I returned to Tuesday Night "Soul Motion: Terrain" dance. I was feeling a bit fearful to return for some strange reason. Feeling that my place with the community had somehow dissolved, that I would no longer be known? All baseless fears as usual. The moment I entered the skylight filled cork floored new dance space, I immediately felt at home. I was embraced first by Winky, and as all the familiar faces began to dance in and embrace me with comfort and a love that comes from knowing each other in a very special way, I knew that it was time to return.  We each blindly picked a line from Wild Geese by Mary Oliver to read out of sequence to the others before beginning the dance. My line was wonderful and oh so meaningful as it revealed itself to me. My line was, "love what it loves". I danced in the spirit of knowing that there is a higher power that loves me, to love what "it" loves is to love myself. I also danced the words of the others. I did have to carve out a safe space to dance while protecting my splint encased wrist, which did force me to keep my eyes open. That made me observe the other dancers a bit more and kept me from fully falling inward, but that is the dance of now, not the dance of forever. After moving to a point of sweating emotional and physical tiredness, there was stillness and Winky read the poem in it's entirety. The poem selected could not have been any more perfect. Beautiful............I can't wait to return again next Tuesday to the dance of "that day" hopefully more accepting and more in love with myself as I am, at this time, in this body, in this moment.....

Wild Geese 

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

                                                                  ~~Mary Oliver~~

Struggling To See the Beauty Through a Less Painful Lens

Today was the last day to see the Tulip Farm, which I had never visited before. I thought the fresh air and beautiful colors of the tulips would be therapeutic for my horrible 3 day and counting migraine. Unfortunately, that was not the case, but with the lens of my camera as my new eye that seemed to feel no pain, we collaborated to capture some of the fading beauty of the Spring tulips, on the last legs of their life. Some of them seem as if an entire universe existed inside each unique flower, and others seem like birds on the verge of flight. I longed to climb inside them and take a brief healing nap like a Lilliputian. The wind and my wrist also added to the challenges of picture taking. I was also craving some peacefulness among the quiet beauty of the vastness of flowers, but unfortunately the other visitors there did not share my need for solitude with the flowers. Expectations..... Again my patience and tolerance continues to be tested.....

An Old Window, A New View

Well the window is now completed and hanging proudly. This is its history.......

.........As soon as I was up to an outing after my wrist surgery, Michael and I went for a hike up Multnomah Falls. On the way home, I coaxed him into stopping at The Rebuilding Center, one of my favorite hangouts, to buy an old window. I had plans to make a piece to hang on our front porch. When I was climbing the walls a few days later, I put on my empty backpack and hopped on the bus headed for my first field trip to Kline Glass. The plan was to get enough broken colored glass to create a glass mosaic on the old window. I thought it was a very optimistic move on my part, to have a goal to create something new out of an old window and some broken glass, given my current limitations and rather broken creative spirit. How could I have known that it would turn into so much more for me in oh so many ways? I put a work glove on my left hand, initially to prevent cutting my hand as I dug through the boxes and bins of broken glass, but I know it was actually to keep me from forgetting myself and trying to use my healing right hand as I got lost in exploration of the jeweled morsels. After a few minutes, (ok, truth be told almost an hour!) I had filled my backpack to capacity. I wanted to ensure having enough glass to finish my creation. Well.... you pay by the pound, and when I tried to lift it with my left arm for the weigh in, I knew I was in big trouble. Eleven plus pounds later, my backpack and I headed back onto the bus with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head!

~~Fast forward a few days later, to the morning of February 23, 2010. I began to mourn the death of Jen Warnock who left us at 6:21 a.m. I had to keep busy to survive the anger, shock, and emptiness of this sudden, unfair, tragic loss. Jen touched hundreds of people's lives. She birthed us all in her many ways, as teacher, midwife, dancer, friend, mother, redheaded spitfired spirit and more...............

How does one begin to put something back together again, once it has been broken? My healing broken wrist begins to feel so incredibly small in the big picture of life and death. The limitations present themselves to me, yet I know I must move forward, to cope with and begin to heal the many things I am feeling this morning. It is storming outside and inside. In my studio, I begin to manipulate the vibrant pieces of broken glass with my left hand and work in a frenzy, to create a puzzle of sorts on the old window.I am trying to make things fit. I have always hated puzzles, because there is only one correct solution. This creation however, holds many possibilities, many choices, many answers, many solutions. Some work better for me than others. As I move the glass and each piece begins to relate to the other pieces as they dance past each other, they find their resting place. The place that feels like its new home. It is a meditation for me, as some of my favorite music plays in the background. This process helps me to remember, by trying to forget. It is healing to see that something beautiful can be created by combining broken pieces, each with their own vibrancy, into a new complete whole. The broken can become beautiful. Not the way they were before, but coming together to create something entirely new, yet maintaining the essence of what they once were. I will continue this process of moving and shifting, until it feels complete.


~~Fast forward to April 5............. I have been gluing and smearing and wiping grout frenetically, as I try once again to deal with pain, frustration and a sense of loss of sorts. Adam has had a bad fall the day before he was about meet with the Doctor to be scheduled for invasive back fusion surgery. He has broken three ribs, and the surgery will not be able to be rescheduled for at least six weeks after he heals. Michael and Jenni are both out of the country, and I am stranded home unable to drive. I feel so lost and helpless as a mother, wanting to, needing to, fix my son and take his pain away. More brokenness that cannot be fixed by me. He is not alone though. I am so blessed that he has his beloved and nurturing new wife Tiffany there for him. But still, more brokenness keeps coming up.  I must learn a way to effectively face and deal with that feeling of helplessness, brokenness and powerlessness. Do I try to contact Michael and Jenni abroad, in separate countries, or accept that they too are powerless to change Adam's situation. Nevertheless, it all weighs heavily upon me and I try to have the strength to carry it. I cover the window with grout and wait to remove the dirt that seems to have totally obliterated my colorful mosaic. Does it still exist under all that darkness? It is time to remove the grout. I rub, and wash, and rub and wipe over and over again, and eventually after what seems like hours, the colors begin to reappear. I can see what I have created begin to emerge.


~~The finale...................The  window is completed..............Michael helped me hang it on our front porch this weekend. I am filled with such a sense of satisfaction, completion, and pride, yet still, a lingering sadness. It will be a reminder of so much, every time I gaze upon it in my daily comings and goings. 


......Jen is gone, in body but not in spirit. She will always be with me, in me, a part of me, in all the gifts she has given me. Every time the light hits the window in a special way, I know the reds will shine especially brightly. I even suspect that on a particularly dark, dreary day, the reds will shine as though some inner light was illuminating them. I know where that light is coming from, and I will smile or possibly cry, but there is space for all my emotions.

.....Adam is still in a lot of pain, but he is healing slowly. His back surgery will come in its due time. He will be strong. He is so well loved and taken care of by all of us near and far. He will be put back together again in a new and stronger way and he too will shine.

.....I am on the road to recovery as my wrist begins to slowly heal. I am trying to be patient, use my hand carefully, do my occupational therapy and try to be optimistic, as I look forward to dancing at Breitenbush in June with my community and Jen watching over us all, and laughing no doubt.


And so, nothing remains the same. Beauty shifts, changes and looks differently depending on the time and light of day. My vision changes based on my mood that day as well. There is no one right way to beauty, just as there is no one right way to life. Sometimes we have to put the pieces back together, but it is never in the same way it was. We have just so much control over what is and what will become. And yes, life can be just as fleeting as the momentary light, as it passes through a piece of colored glass.

The Right Brain Initiative

I am very excited about the next project that I will be involved in. It is called The Right Brain Initiative. Please check out the linked short video to get a sense of what it is all about.

The vision of The Right Brain Initiative is to achieve a measurable impact on learning by integrating the community’s arts and cultural resources into the education of every K-8 student in the region’s school districts. The Initiative is a collaboration among educators, parents, artists, local governments, business leaders, and donors who are working to achieve this vision in an equitable, systemic, and sustainable way. RACC serves as managing partner of the program. 

I will be working as a volunteer photo documentarian. I am thrilled to be able to photograph various events in the schools as well as the artists, teachers and administrators who’ve participated in Right Brain programs to present and reflect on the work they’ve completed this year. 

I am passionate about photography and have always been an advocate of the arts in education, ever since my now 27 and 30 year old "kids" were in school. I always worked in their school in the arts and this is a perfect way to meld my interests and skills!

Wrap up on The Chair Affair

Well a fun time was had by all and almost every chair found it's way to a new home.

Mother Nature

"In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they're still beautiful" ~~Alice Walker
But as I listen to the pouring rain, the hail, the flailing trees; as the branches fall on my roof and porch, it feels as though mother nature shares my feelings of anger and frustration at this moment.

Therapy.....With Baby Steps I Return to My Clay Chair Installation Project and More...

Over the past few days I have begun to dip my right hand and wrist in the therapeutic parrafin wax bath again. I am once again, saving the ghost hands that remain when I carefully remove the wax from my hand. I will continue this as long as I feel compelled to. I plan to culminate the collection by mounting them on a black board that will be back lit with Christmas lights that  my dear friend Katie so generously scavenged for me.

In addition, today I carefully touched clay for the first time, post surgery. I gingerly and with much trepidation took a small piece of soft clay and delicately formed a chair. I tried to move my hand only in ways that did not cause pain. I will number the post surgical chairs to join with the three pre- surgery chairs. I am going to keep making them until they no longer call to me. I am doing these things to keep from bouncing off the walls due to my worry over my son's health issues. I am seeking them as therapy for my hand and heart. Somehow the creating does not feel satisfying as I hoped and thought it would be, because my mind is elsewhere, as is my heart. I thought I could somehow heal my spirit, so I would have more to offer him, but this is not the case. I am still not able to drive and am still taking care of myself mostly left handed. I am offering all I can, and all that he needs, by just being present for him, talking with him, sending him all the healing energy a mother is capable of, and loving him. He is blessed with a wonderful loving wife to care for him, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I am also obsessively trying to buy antique pocket watches on e-bay for future sculptures and assemblages. I have not quite gotten the hang of bidding and winning successfully yet. I am trying to find comfort in gathering, collecting, nesting, thinking about time, time gone by, time wasted, wasted moments, fleeting life, memory.

I will continue to create. I realize on an intellectual level that I cannot fix my loved ones, but have yet to grasp it on an emotional level. I can only be here for him and be here for myself. I have to relinquish control over trying to carry the ones I love and trying to fix them and the world single handedly. (even I realize that I am setting myself up for a huge failure if I have that expectiation). 

Time to surrender to what is and stop seeking the reasons why. It is what it is, even though I want things to be different. Life continues to reveal this to me, yet it never seem to get easier to accept. 
Such is life I suppose~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The relation you have to yourself is the first and most important step to freedom. It is when you are centered in yourself that you really can give to others without expectations."

~~Dharma~~

Although it feels like Winter..............................

“Spring has returned.

The Earth is like a child that  knows poems.”

                   ~~Rainer Maria Rilke~~

My dear friend Renee reminded me that, although I have been feeling like a spectator in life lately, watching everyone live their lives, that HEALING is an ACTIVE process! I am very grateful to her for reminding me of this important way of looking at my life in this moment. No doubt I will have to remember to keep reminding myself of this.

 I have been working a bit on the mosaic of colored glass window piece I began before my wrist surgery. I am reassembling, recreating, joining together broken pieces to create a new, colorful blending of discarded glass, that seemed to have no real purpose in their broken state. I am bringing together the once broken pieces, to solidify them into a new colorful, beautiful, purposeful whole; a new normal. Once completed, it will hang on my front porch, catching the light, and every time I gaze upon it, remind me of this new, vibrant beginning. A metaphor for my life??????????????????